Dangit Kirk
by Katelai
Summary: The concept of Tirk was presented on TWoP and it was time to fiddle with the crazy idea. This isn't actually Tirk, but really how Luke reacts to the absurdity that might possibly be Tirk. The rating is a high T and there is some JJ fluff in chapter 2.
1. Dammit, Kirk!

**Dangit Kirk**

**Chapter 1 – Dammit, Kirk!**

**A/N 04/13/2010 – Moving this over from the BWR.**

**A/N 05/19/2009 – Someone mentioned Tirk and well... this popped into my head. I imagine this takes place during Season 1. (to reassure you, it's really not Tirk)**

One lazy hazy morning Kirk sat at the counter of Luke's Diner, contemplating the sandwich in front of him. Luke had very kindly cut it into stars and Kirk was trying to consume it in a way that would keep it evenly balanced while maximizing his taste to condiment-location ratio. As Luke returned to the counter and began to wipe it down, a thought occurred to Kirk.

"You know Luke, with my past resume of work experience; I have developed skills in a plethora of professions."

"That's great Kirk..." Luke replied, trying to ignore Kirk in hopes that he could lose his thoughts while cleaning his diner during the afternoon lull.

Of course Kirk did not catch on. "I've been assisting Taylor with his stress for over a year now--"

"Kirk if you're trying to—"

"Now, Luke, you are a very tense man."

"Kirk! Shut up," Luke responded tersely, as he continued to methodically wipe the immaculately clean counter.

"Luke I know it's hard, you're a single man and you don't have a lot to—"

"Kirk, please stop talking."

"I can help you with that; my skills cover a wide range of—"

"Kirk, you're starting to creep me out."

"Luke, just hear me out, I promise that you won't regret it."

Luke sighed and dropped the rag below the counter, "If I listen to you, will you shut up?"

"If that is what you wish."

Sighing again, Luke leaned against the back counter, "Okay, what is it? You're a masseuse now or something?"

"Not exactly, maybe we should go somewhere more private."

"Gahh, Kirk," Luke responded gesturing to the empty expanse of the diner. "There's no one else here!"

"Alright, it's your call. So, as I was saying, after taking a class at Hartford Community College I've become certified in many relaxation techniques. Now, Taylor prefers a more traditional method that doesn't involve any implements; a natural approach one might say."

Luke's frustration level was just about to boil over as he crossed his arms across his chest, "Kirk is this going anywhere..."

"Yes, yes, now, I am quite skilled with my hands—"

Afraid that this was going where he thought it was going, Luke stated, "You said you weren't a masseuse..."

Kirk placed the last corner of the sandwich star on his plate and looked Luke in the eye, "That is correct, that is not what my training is in."

"What the hell are you getting at Kirk..."

"You could say I do a pretty good hand... job. If you get my drift, and I'd be willing to help you out, I can even offer costume choices. For instance I have this dark brown wig and blue contacts if you prefer I-"

"Oh my God, Kirk, SO HELP ME, get the hell out of my diner!!" Luke shouted as he turned a bright shade of crimson.

Kirk stood and ran towards the door, he took a final breath, heart pounding, he turned and looked at Luke, "You seem tense, the first session could be pro-bon—"

"KIRK GET THE HELL OUT NOW!" Luke screamed at the top of his lounges as he gestured violently towards the door. A puff of smoke could be seen in Kirk's wake.


	2. Geez, Lorelai!

**Dangit Kirk**

**Chapter 2 – Geez, Lorelai!**

**A/N- This is a quick fun response I imagined to Dangit Kirk! Set a few years later ;)  
Not very good in the dialog department, so bear with me! D:**

"I can't believe Kirk defiled your boat, how will you ever sit in it again?" Lorelai asked giggling, sitting in bed watching Luke get changed for bed.

"I was trying to not think about it..." Luke responded slightly exasperated, holding his recently removed jeans while searching the pockets for his keys and wallet.

"I'm sure Kirk has a service for that!" Lorelai said giggling, not really thinking about what she meant before she spoke.

"What?" Luke asked incredulously as he tossed his jeans into her laundry hamper.

Slightly taken aback, Lorelai tried to explain, "Well I figured he'd have a company or job skill that can cover... the... cleaning or purifying of... wood–err, your boat." Luke stared at her blankly. "Luke, no dirty intended, I swear!" Lorelai quickly responded in a voice laced with amusement.

Moving to join Lorelai in bed, Luke pulled back the covers and climbed in. "You reminded me of this one thing Kirk said once ... in my diner ... a few years ago. God I still hope he was joking..."

Lorelai turned to face Luke while crossing her legs Indian style, "Uh... said what? And, please let this have nothing to do with Kirk naked in your boat..."

"Just, uh, forget I said anything," Luke quickly replied before rolling over on his side so his back was to Lorelai.

"Wait no, Luke!" Lorelai cried, prodding him in the back. "You've brought it up, now you're stuck and I won't be able to sleep until you tell me what he said to you!"

Letting a third sigh escape, Luke reluctantly rolled over and sat up in bed. "Fine. Four years ago I think, he was the only one in the diner one afternoon ... And he offered his ... uh ... services..."

"His services?"

"Yeah, uh, he said ... Geez ... something about Taylor liking ... his ... services," Luke managed to get out, visibly uncomfortable as he twiddled his thumbs in his lap.

"Luke, ... what services, like dog walking?" Lorelai asked, still clearly very confused.

"No, did I have a dog back then?"

"No, Luke, Kirk has had 10,000 jobs, a quarter of which had the name 'service' in them."

"Geez, okay, things he provided with his...," Luke let out a cough, "his hands."

"Uhhh, chopping firewood..." Lorelai snapped her fingers, "snapping?" A big goofy grin was visible on her face as she continued to snap in Luke's face.

Luke grabbed her hand to silence it, "Do you think Kirk would try to make people pay him to snap his fingers?"

"Well, I don't know, you're not giving me a lot to go on here with the vagueness."

"Relaxation, it had to do with relaxation!"

"Oh, uh, is he a masseuse?"

"No, and I remember him saying, that no that wasn't it... because that's what I thought."

"Uh, so he used his hands to help people relax but wasn't a—OH MY GOD!" Lorelai shouted, sitting up incredibly straight. "Kirk is a call-girl! Kirk wanted to offer you his services! Like he did with Taylor! Oh. My. God... Luke, that is disgusting."

"Geez, Lorelai, lower your voice, he's downstairs on the couch!! I said no, I said no!" Luke quickly responded to her antics in a harsh whisper.

"I hope to God you said no! Because honey, if Kirk ever comes in proximity to your man-hood, you are _so_ out the door. Wait, if anything that comes in proximity to your manhood that was in proximity to Taylor's manhood, you are also _so_ out the door! In fact, if anyone other than me or a medical professional comes within proximity to your manhood, you are out the door!"

"Geez, I kicked him out of the diner when I finally got what he was saying, and it was never mentioned again! See, I shouldn't have said anything!"

"I'm going to have nightmares for a week, Luke."

"You'll get over it, now go to sleep."

"I can't go to sleep now."

"Geez, so much work."


End file.
